A Staycation Primer / Dan Sines

No money? No time? Erectile dysfunction? Unsightly goiter? Don’t let problems keep you from the vacation of your dreams. That perfect getaway is closer than you think. Follow this handy guide for bringing paradise to YOU!

1. The Gum Wall. Skip the crowds and the hepatitis, there’s gum stuck on walls all over the place. I’ve found gum in cities such as Cincinnati, Toledo, and Baton Rouge (Indiana). Chances are there’s gum stuck to a wall in a city near you. No crowds. No hassle. Don’t be part of a trend; be part of a movement! No gum in your town? Start your own gum wall. Now you’re not just on vacation - you’re a performance artist. Vacation success!

2. Las Vegas. Legalized gambling. Rampant prostitution. Flashing lights. Everyone knows Las Vegas is a pit, that’s why it’s so popular. But know this: prostitutes, illicit drugs, March Madness...they’re all closer than you think. You know that part of town where mom tells you not to walk at night? That place is a goldmine for this kind of shit. Head there with a flask of whiskey, your shattered self-image, and an open mind. What happens in Vegas doesn’t have to stay there- but it will have to stay in the trunk of your car until you find a place to dump that body.

3. The Grand Canyon. Here’s what I know about the Grand Canyon: you go there to die. Heat stroke. Dehydration. Scorpion bites. You’re ready for death’s sweet embrace, but this place is in the middle of nowhere. Save yourself the drive, get in the car with your best friend, grab ‘em by the hand, and drive off the nearest bridge into your local river. Freedom!